Goal Setting for This Lazy Fatty

So, I really really suck at this whole...being healthy thing.  It just does not come easily to me.  I don't think about ways to make things healthier by elimination or substitution.  I don't really want to work out...ever.  I really just prefer baking and watching TV.  Those are comfortable.  Those are easy.  Those are safe.  And maybe that's my problem.  Maybe I'm too comfortable being safe and boring.  I need to start pushing my boundaries.  I need to start living my life to the fullest, not just boring day by boring day.

I am going to challenge myself in two ways: mentally and physically.  When I meet these goals I will reward myself with a well-deserved hug, because I shouldn't have a cookie and I don't have the funds for a new outfit...dang it.  Large changes come about through small changes, so one small change at a time my friends.  I can do this, I just can't make the goal of reaching the moon when I don't even know basic physics, you know what I mean? 

Mental Challenge

I've been having a hard time finding joy in my life as of recent times.  I know that this is self-imposed because I choose to exile myself from the rest of society for my own comfort and semi-peace of mind.  BUT THIS NEEDS TO STOP.  I need to make connections with people.  I need to go out and get out of my bed and out of my head. Mentally, I'm exhausted all the time.  I have started having anxiety attacks and I can't help but over analyze every little thing that I did in my interactions with people.. Or, alternatively, I don't care at all what and how others perceive me, which most times is good, but in my case it leads to me dressing and looking like a homeless person on a regular basis and not really having any pride in my appearance.  So, mental goals.  I need to make changes that will help me to become happier, more joyful, and generally a more positive person, like the person I used to be.

Mental Goal #1: Get out of the house and into nature once a week.

This seems like a given for most people, but I really enjoy being at home, maybe a little too much.  Sometimes I don't even know what the weather is like because I'm so content in my pajamas in my bed that I can't even bother to look out a window for hours if not days.  I need to connect more with nature.  Nature has a way of making people happier just by simply existing in harmony with it.  Like Pocahantas says, "We are all connected to each other.  In a circle, in a hoop that never ends." Granted, I do live in Las Vegas, so really the only nature we have is rocks, sand, and scorpions, but I will try my best!

Physical Challenge

I've never really LIKED working out, ever in my life.  Even when I was forced to through elementary and high school I never enjoyed that.  As an adult, I'm hoping I didn't enjoy it because I large part of Physical Education programs in schools is based on running, and I, Amber Farmer, am no runner.  Even when I was in great shape in high school during tennis season I could always be counted on for being the slowest runner.  "After all this time?"  Always.  So, in order to facilitate my larger goal of losing weight and becoming healthy, I need to set some physical goals, things that will get me moving and get my heart beating.

Physical Goal #1:  Complete and entire 5 day workout plan in one week.

I know what you're thinking, "Well, there are 7 days in a week so a 5 day workout plan completed within 7 days sounds like cake."  Well, for me, it's not.  As mentioned above, I do not enjoy working out.  So, even with my gym super close to both my house and my work, I still don't want to go that often.  I make it to the gym three, maybe four, times a week which stretches out my workout plan to almost two weeks.  I know that if I was able to complete it all in one week I would actually see results, but I'm lazy so it hasn't happened yet.  But this is going to happen!

These goals are now in writing.  That means that they are in effect and that I have to complete them.  I will update on the progress of these goals in a month, at which point I will make more goals.  Wish me luck!

The Power of a Clean Environment

Mental health and physical health are closely related.  In fact, the WHO states that, "there is no health without mental health."  That's why, whenever I need a boost, I clean my room.  I know, sounds ridiculously easy, but you know the feeling.  Admit it.  We've all been there.  

It's been the week from hell.  You're exhausted, nothing is going right, and you can't bring yourself to clean anything.  Not a thing.  Then, you finally pull yourself together long enough to clean one solitary room.  Maybe it's the living room because you don't want the people who randomly stop by to think that you don't actually have your life together.  Maybe it's the kitchen because, if you're like me, you have to clean the kitchen before you can dirty it again by baking something so you can eat your feelings.  Whatever you're preference, you know that as soon as you clean that room, your mood instantly improves.  You feel powerful, almost invincible.  You can't understand why you were feeling so crappy because all of the sudden your life is back in your hands and you are ready for whatever comes your way.  Right?  We've all experienced this, because I know it can't just be me. 

Well, since I still live with roommates and have very little control over the common living areas for a long period of time, I choose to clean my bedroom.  I spend most of my time in there anyway, you know, those Netflix spirals.  When I'm feeling down and my room is a disaster area, I get the feeling that I should clean.  Then a few days later I actually follow through and I can't believe I've waited that long! Having a clean bedroom calms my soul.  It becomes a welcoming environment instead of representing the crap that is life at that particular moment.  It becomes a place of solitude, reflection, and meditation.  Yes, this probably sounds like bull to you, but for me, a clean bedroom is a powerful thing.  

Then why do I let it get messy, time and time again?  Well, habits are hard to develop but even harder to break.  Growing up, I never even tried to pretend that I was a clean and organized person.  However, I could tell you exactly where my Backstreet Boys Millennium CD case was in the midst of the clothes, books, candy wrappers, schoolwork, and whatnot that littered my floor.  My mom never understood, but I had my system. I know that when I clean my room I feel better, but my room is always messy a week later.  Why do I do this?  Do I like the feeling of accomplishment?  Do I like feeling like my life is out of control but that I have the power to take it back?  I'm not quite sure what the answer is, but all I know is that my giant laundry basket full of clean clothes is staring at me, so I'm going to go put it away and take back control of my life.  I'm going to become calm and I'm going to stay calm.  At least until I run out of space in my laundry basket again.  How about you?

How Did I Get Myself Into This Situation?

Hi! I'm Amber and I'm a fatty. I know, I know, it sounds like I'm in a Fatty Anonymous meeting, but I'm serious when I say my name is Amber and I'm a fatty.  I don't say that I'm a fatty to be derogatory to myself in any way because I have embraced my fatty-ness.  What I haven't embraced is the fact that I'm unhealthy.  Yes, there is a difference between being fat and being unhealthy for all you skinny people that think being fat is a choice.  The two aren't always mutually inclusive.  You can be fat and healthy, you can not be fat and be healthy, or you can be fat and unhealthy.  I, unfortunately, currently fall in the third category, fat and unhealthy.  I haven't always been this way.  I mean, I've always been fat, but I haven't always been unhealthy AND fat.

The unhealthy part started about three or four years ago, when I was midway through college and battling a disease I didn't know I had. Yeah, cancer tends to make a person really tired and when you're tired in college you don't go out, you only eat fast food, you sleep for hours and hours and when you're not sleeping you are still so exhausted that you lie in bed and fall into the deep dark hole that is a Netflix binge watch. Before I got diagnosed with leukemia I had been this way for around a year and a half.  I didn't know what was wrong with me and things just escalated until I was depressed and anxious and was the victim of multiple panic attacks a day.  I blamed depression for all of this but it's hard to move forward with life when your parents don't believe you have depression and your universities mental health program is completely booked solid (you would think they would expand the program since all counselors get booked solid only three weeks into a semester, but I know not everyone is as practical as me).  My life was stagnant, my grades were in the gutter, and I merely existed in the world.

The best thing that ever happened to me was getting put on academic probation.  Yeah, it sucked at the time but hindsight is 20/20! Being forced to step away from school allowed me to see what needed to change in my life.  I went and saw a counselor who said, "Ah yes, you do sound like you have depression.  In fact, you meet 9 out of 10 criteria for depression.  But let's get a blood test, just to be sure it's not diabetes or a thyroid issue."  Well, that blood test didn't go as planned.  It's an interesting thing to walk out into a doctor's appointment with the expectation of walking out with anti-depressants and by the time you get home the news is awaiting you that depression hasn't been the source of all of your woe, but it's been luekemia's fault the whole time! I moved home and got treatment, which was no picnic.  I forced myself to go back to school to finish (I probably should have waited, but c'est la vie) and nearly a year and a half after I started my treatment my blood was declared "normal."  That's probably the only time in my life that I've praised the Lord for being normal.

This big, huge, long story all leads to today.  I've graduated college, I moved to a different state aaaaand had a quarter-life-crisis.  I have learned that it is actually quite hard to develop a habit, but it is nearly impossible for me to break them.  Seriously, talk to my poor fingernails that have suffered for 24 years. Today I am completely healthy, at least cancer-wise, but I still act like I suffer from severe exhaustion.  I go to sleep early, I put off waking up to the last second, I go to work, I come home and watch Netflix or Hulu until it's time to go to sleep again.  No social life, no motivation, no happiness.  I'm stuck in a perpetual loop of exhaustion that I've unnecessarily put myself in and I can't find a way out.  This has led to actual depression, anxiety and a general fear of life.  But enough is enough! I'm beginning this blog to force myself to make a change. To commit to myself to lose some weight, gain some muscle, and to love myself again.  To find the happiness that I have missed for so long.  To just feel good, mentally and physically, and to figure out who I really am.  I'm committing to myself to become me again and to lead a life that will lead me to true happiness.  Wish me luck!