The unhealthy part started about three or four years ago, when I was midway through college and battling a disease I didn't know I had. Yeah, cancer tends to make a person really tired and when you're tired in college you don't go out, you only eat fast food, you sleep for hours and hours and when you're not sleeping you are still so exhausted that you lie in bed and fall into the deep dark hole that is a Netflix binge watch. Before I got diagnosed with leukemia I had been this way for around a year and a half. I didn't know what was wrong with me and things just escalated until I was depressed and anxious and was the victim of multiple panic attacks a day. I blamed depression for all of this but it's hard to move forward with life when your parents don't believe you have depression and your universities mental health program is completely booked solid (you would think they would expand the program since all counselors get booked solid only three weeks into a semester, but I know not everyone is as practical as me). My life was stagnant, my grades were in the gutter, and I merely existed in the world.
The best thing that ever happened to me was getting put on academic probation. Yeah, it sucked at the time but hindsight is 20/20! Being forced to step away from school allowed me to see what needed to change in my life. I went and saw a counselor who said, "Ah yes, you do sound like you have depression. In fact, you meet 9 out of 10 criteria for depression. But let's get a blood test, just to be sure it's not diabetes or a thyroid issue." Well, that blood test didn't go as planned. It's an interesting thing to walk out into a doctor's appointment with the expectation of walking out with anti-depressants and by the time you get home the news is awaiting you that depression hasn't been the source of all of your woe, but it's been luekemia's fault the whole time! I moved home and got treatment, which was no picnic. I forced myself to go back to school to finish (I probably should have waited, but c'est la vie) and nearly a year and a half after I started my treatment my blood was declared "normal." That's probably the only time in my life that I've praised the Lord for being normal.
This big, huge, long story all leads to today. I've graduated college, I moved to a different state aaaaand had a quarter-life-crisis. I have learned that it is actually quite hard to develop a habit, but it is nearly impossible for me to break them. Seriously, talk to my poor fingernails that have suffered for 24 years. Today I am completely healthy, at least cancer-wise, but I still act like I suffer from severe exhaustion. I go to sleep early, I put off waking up to the last second, I go to work, I come home and watch Netflix or Hulu until it's time to go to sleep again. No social life, no motivation, no happiness. I'm stuck in a perpetual loop of exhaustion that I've unnecessarily put myself in and I can't find a way out. This has led to actual depression, anxiety and a general fear of life. But enough is enough! I'm beginning this blog to force myself to make a change. To commit to myself to lose some weight, gain some muscle, and to love myself again. To find the happiness that I have missed for so long. To just feel good, mentally and physically, and to figure out who I really am. I'm committing to myself to become me again and to lead a life that will lead me to true happiness. Wish me luck!
No comments:
Post a Comment